do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Randomize
