so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
