Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
we're so committed to being not committed
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