I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
