She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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