Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
