next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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