you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
