Actions speak louder than pants.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
