I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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