god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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