Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
