Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
