Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
