Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
