I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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