My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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