I think I just saw someone hide a body.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
