so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i was born a porn star she said
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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