he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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