remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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