it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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