my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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