Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
So much Jack, so little girl.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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