BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
