I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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