I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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