cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
