Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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