I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
