sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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