I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
