i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
