so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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