I just saw a hot homeless man
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
