So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
