So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
