Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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