I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
