It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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