I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
