I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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