I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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