I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
