Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
