You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
