can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
