just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
