so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
