An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I use my feet as sexual weapons
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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