We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
