my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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