On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
