i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
