my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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